In The Silence

For five, oh-so-glorious (ha!) years as a mother,

my morning routine has been the same.

Now, granted, as Tyler has gotten older, the routine has changed shape in some ways,

but for the most part, it has gone like this:

I wake up. I wake Tyler up. I make sure we are prepared for the day ahead.

We grab breakfast, and we are out the door!

And, let’s be frank.

This morning routine is usually anything but smooth, calm, organized, or fun.

Really, it’s pretty much a battle.

If it’s not about brushing teeth, it’s about what socks are the most “comfy-cozy”,

or whether sunglasses are appropriate preschool attire,

or if his gi-normous transformer can be his “sleep toy” at school.

I mean, seriously.

I like sleep.

I like personal space.

I like to have some quiet time in the morning to gather my thoughts and

mentally prepare for the day.

(And, now, as I read that last set of sentences,

I am compelled to maybe change those “like” words to “need”!)

And these needs of mine have had to be thrown to the wind.

I have fought back the urge to kick Tyler out of my bed at 3am

when he disturbs my sleep and crawls in.

Every Night.

I have actively engaged in this thing Tyler calls the “morning hug”

Which is really more like a “morning tackle”,

And I have set aside my desire to listen to my music in the morning and surrendered myself to the musical likings of “The Wheels on The Bus” and “The Itsy Bitsy Spider”.

And while this battle has persisted day-in and day-out,

Not just the battle of the wills with Tyler,

But my own internal battle about what I want vs. what my five-year old wants,

the real “fun” begins when we hit the car. (embrace the sarcasm here)

This seemingly loooooong (albeit 10 min.) trek to pre-school every day

has often caused me to question whether or not I would be able to maintain my sanity.

(implying that I had some to begin with….

no snide remarks from the peanut gallery, please.)

This ride to preschool can be compared to Chinese Water Torture.

I am voluntarily trapped…yes, TRAPPED, in a moving vehicle

With a five-year old who won’t quit.

A human form of the energizer bunny, if you will.

Non-stop talking.

Constant questions.

A million-and-one music requests.

On and on and on and on it goes.

And all I want is some stinkin’ peace and quiet!

But, alas!

Today, Tyler went to Kindergarten.

He did great.

The bus came 10 minutes early,

Which was actually perfect.

There was only enough time for a kiss, a quick picture, and a wave goodbye.

Quick and painless.

Just like the removal of a been-on-too-long band aid.

So, along with my neighbors, I followed the bus to school.

I watched him get off the bus and make his way to his classroom.

I snapped a few more pictures (surprise, surprise),

Chatted with some people we knew,

Saw he was happy and comfortable,

And I made my way out the door.

(and, in the words of George Michael)…

freedom! Freedom! FREEDOM!

NO MORE TORTURE TRIPS TO PRESCHOOL.

And then….

Three miles later,

I felt odd.

I heard a report on the weather and some local news.

(sounds simple, but this hasn’t happened in the car for years)

I began singing along to a favorite tune and could hear ALL the words.

And then I felt the lump. Deep in my gut.

I was feeling the silence.

No one was inquiring about how the DJ had “gotten into our radio”.

No one was yelling at me to “turn down the radio” so he could tell me how many times

He “pooted” in the “seat car” since we left home.

No one was verbally processing the ways that

Jesus could possibly be in our hearts and the sky at the same time….

(And looking at me to actually give him the answer.)

I glanced behind me.

I saw the empty “seat car”.

My favorite song played on, uninterrupted.

And I ached. Full-out ACHED.

The lump finally revealed itself as a tear fell.

The silence couldn’t comfort me.

Nor could my favorite song.

So, I let the tears fall.

And, I took a moment to reflect on the significance of

Our 10 minutes together in the car each morning.

And I wanted them back.

It was in this moment,

In the silence

I realized.

All this time that I thought I was attempting to cope with just how much my child needed me,

It just might be that I needed him more.

(Tyler D., I love you…. more than anything in the whole, wide world! –Mommy)

Schkimmy, Schkimmy....

Do you spell it shkimmy?  or shcimmy?  or schkimy?  or some other, yet-to-be-determined way? 

I don't know.  

And I don't really care. 

All I know is that the phrase "Schkimmy Schkimmy" moves me deep in my soul....

in a very, very good way.

Let me set the stage here.  

Meredith College. Raleigh, NC.  The Class of 1998.  

Amy Jo.  

Katie.  

Sara.  

And, yes, yours truly. 

God (there is no question about His divine intervention in this process) brings them together under one roof for four years.  

They find Forest Hills Baptist Church.  

And a girl named Beth.  

And a boy named Collice.

And the world was never again the same.  

(at least not our little, super fun, nonsensical world)

And A new language was formed.  A language that made no sense to anyone but us.

The phrase, "schkimmy, schkimmy"  could mean anything we wanted to.  

All we had to do was emphasize different parts of the phrase or repeat the phrase enough that it sounded like an entire sentence.

For instance, "schkimmy, schkimmy" said plainly with a slight shrug of the shoulders often meant, "it doesn't matter."

But "SCHKIMMY, SCHKIMMY!" likely  meant, "STOP DOING THAT!"  

(Get the picture here???)

Now...
For most of you, you are thinking this was pretty darn juvenile for college students.

(And let's face it....it probably was).  

But we laughed.  HARD.  OFTEN.  VERY OFTEN. 

And to this day, I think about our special language.

Our love language.

The language that said nothing but everything everytime it was spoken.

and I wouldn't change it for a thing.  

I love you guys..... Schkimmy, Schkimmy.... xoxo

M <3

Thank you for loving Tyler.

So, yesterday was CRAZY BUSY!
Up at 6 am,
drop Tyler off with Mom at 6:30 am,
Run with the "Mothers" at 7 am,
Finish my five mile run at ....(well, that doesn't matter),
photo shoot with an old friend at a local park at 10 am,
Tyler's friend's birthday party at 11:30 am (which we missed)
Finish preparing cupcakes for a fundraiser at 12:30 pm,
shower, laundry, clean house, etc.
before we head to a birthday party
for my client's daughter
who was celebrating her first birthday
at 4:00 pm.
Get together with girlfriends to make preparations for
one of their weddings coming up in October at 6:00 pm.
(Bloody Mary at 7:00pm...shhhhhh)
Left her house at 9:00 pm
Bath for T at 9:30 pm
In bed, both of us, at 10 pm.

Ok, so I am exhausted just thinking about yesterday.
However, let me back up.
Because in the midst of my craziness,
There was a moment that made me pause.
And pause long. And think hard. And count my blessings.
See the part where I said
I went to a birthday party for my client's daughter's first birthday???
Well,
Tyler
and
I
were
the
only
ones
who
showed
up.
Yes. You read that right. No one showed up to celebrate the first year of this beautiful little girl except Tyler and I.
As busy as my day was, and as tired as I was, and as much as I lacked the energy to go to that party...
I went. And when I realized that I was the only one coming, I was forced to stop.
And take a moment.
And thank God.
I thanked God for putting people in my son's life who love him.
Every day, without a doubt, my son is loved. By a TON of amazing people.
And, on his first birthday, my mother's house was
Full...
Jam Packed....
Filled...
With people who loved him...People who still do.
Thank you, Dear God, my family, and my friends, for wrapping your arms around my child, even when you are tired, even in the midst of all your responsibilities,
and even when you have your own family to love.
Thank you for loving Tyler.

God Thinks of Everything

Absolutely beautiful.
She has that thing. You know. The "glow".
And as I stared at her through my lens,
I couldn't help but think...

What a blessing. What a miracle.

What a great mother Shanone will make.

And, I thought back to my own experience as a mommy-to-be,
and I remembered...
in the midst of my excitement and fear,
after all, most of us fear the unknown,
I read something.
I read that in the womb, fetuses are covered with a waxy coating called 'vernix'.
In a sentence: Wax changed my (pregnant) life.
(yes, strange, but true)
In that moment I knew that everything would be fine.
I knew that If God could think to make sure that unborn babies do not turn into prunes
from being in the amniotic fluid of their mothers,
I knew He could calm my fears and plan for a safe arrival of my baby boy.
And, in that moment, I was reminded:
God is in control,
and
God thinks of everything....

Four Girls and Fun!

4 Nights in the Midwest
+
4 (very silly) Girls
-
4 Children
+
(At least) 4 Miles of Nothingness...
Except Alpaca
=

A TON OF FUN!

Thanks, ladies for all the wonderful memories!...and you, too, Jett.

"Aunt Michelle"

"Aunt Michelle! Aunt Michelle! Aunt Michelle!..."
This is what I hear Spencer chanting
in the background
as I talk to her mother on the phone.
Her mother sternly assures her that her chanting,
in no way,
helps the car to get to 'Aunt Michelle's' house faster.
I smile.
I mean, after all,
she's chanting my name.
Who wouldn't love THAT???
I LOVE to play my position as "Aunt Michelle."
I love to love my best friends' kids.
I love that they love me.
And I love every time I see how much they love her (more).
She earned it, after all....
(You would understand if you saw pictures of her pregnant with the twins).
And while I stand on the inside of the house,
Watching them watch her,
I think...
For once,
2nd best is not so bad.
(Love you, Kate, Spencer, Carter, and Davis. <3 Aunt Michelle)

The Blog Virgin

So, today I begin down this path called...dun dun dun (that was my scary sound effect if you couldn't tell)....BLOGGING. When pondering the decision to delve into this arena, I found myself wondering WHO, in their right mind, would want to know what I was up to! But, three seconds later, I realized that this decision is much less about sharing my thoughts with others than it is about gaining valuable feedback (loving, constructive feedback) about my photography from those I am so blessed to have in my world. So, here I am. Wide open. Vulnerable. Eager. Let the games begin! Love!